This economic storm

A traveler's wonder at copper sunsets,
An artists angst at every sunrise,
The farmers distress at his debts,
A nations folly of it's empty disguise.

Of paupers and pockets full of gold,
As chaos in minds and markets arise,
What will each new day mould?
Tossed in this tempest of never-ending lies.

An authors desire to live a period of change,
Experience the glamour and storm of this day,
But who shall pay the price of this economic derange?
And live to tell this tale that led everything astray?

Will the past in the future emerge as present?
Will all memories of the world as it was disappear?
The tides of change might bring a constant,
As the new dawn might to nothing as seen before adhere!

Revelations...

Sometimes eureka moments are big earth shattering moments of clarity and sudden understanding. That's when you feel a rush of excitement and thrill at what you've just discerned and cannot wait to share it with the world.

At other times they are subtle moments of revelations that sneak up on you and even before you grasp what they mean, the thread of the idea disappears in the dense cloud of your thoughts. These are the ones that make you follow that thought, make you desperately try to hold onto the last vestige of that revelation so you can understand what it means entirely. The revelation lies in front you...just within your reach like a carrot (cake) that's been dangled in front of your eyes to tease you. Oh the niggling feeling that you're just not quite seeing it gnaws at the edge of your consciousness. It's like knowing the lyrics of the song you so desperately want to sing but your mind chooses to elude you at the opportune moment when you desire it so much! See how the mind plays games with itself all the time? ;-)

I had one of those recently. And when it showed itself it was a warm glow of a thought; a soft and pleasant surprise. There wasn't an earth shattering moment, just a gentle internal nudge that acknowledged that change.

You dream of being self assured and confident in yourself and your abilities. You dream of having unwavering conviction in yourself when facing the world both in the harsh stare of challenging eyes and the tender gaze of an accepting pair. There is always a wonder whether the strong face you hold up for the world to see hides a shaken and scared spirit or whether it encloses a truly brave and self assured one...

We face trials and tribulations everyday and they serve to make us stronger but their memory always reminds us of a weaker spirit at the time. It's a beautiful moment, when the world comes crashing down at your feet and murphy rejoices for all his plans seem fool proof but you smile not just externally but internally. It's a beautiful moment when you feel undaunted and completely in control of your fate and destiny...when not a vestige of doubt preys upon you. When you smile at the world and seem brave...you truly are sure that all is well and you can still hear the birds chirping and feel the sun shining.

It's a small step but somewhere I feel like having lived up (even if momentarily) to the sonnets of the poets of the past. The good was good and the bad was bad but they are all seasons and I am constant.

What it made me realise is I am all of these values and feelings. We like to think we are intelligent, we like to be known for our achievements, we like to be remembered for contributions and we end up believing that all of this makes up who we are. We think our jobs, our research papers, our professional acclaim, our recognition as being kind friends and family members is what makes us. But truly when stripped of all external circumstances and people its what we feel inside and how we think within our naked soul that makes us who we are. That is our constant. Our inner honesty, our inner peace, our inner integrity, our inner faith whatever these might be truly define us. These are our brand and we carry them with us in everything we do and wherever we go.

I guess it's worth waiting for the slow eureka moments to reveal themselves...

Song of sunshine

An ode to a wonderful person I met today..

There was that song again...that song that played in the background of the universe every time she saw him. The song that made everything around them melt away. In her mind, time would stand still when she looked into his eyes. The sounds, the people, the smells everything would fade and all that would remain was the very essence of his breath, his aura, his force, his pull and her restoration.

Through gently closed eyes and a smile on her face she would come watch him in the park everyday. She would watch his smile, his gentle tentative steps towards the toddler, his joyous laughter when he finally reached the child along with the toddlers excited squeals. She would eagerly take in every seasoned change in his expression and memorise the planes of his face. She knew every timber of his voice, she understood every message in his stance.

Even from a distance she could feel the caress of his touch. Her body of its own accord would turn towards the warm tenor of his voice. She was a moth to his flame...she was the waves of the ocean that could not have been contained without his shore. There was a time when all she knew was darkness. A deep, heavy darkness. There was a day when time had no meaning. Each second was damp and dense and meaningless.

And then he came along. It was his voice talking to the child that first permeated her fog. She heard the kindness in his voice like it was coming from a deep well...like she could never reach it and yet she had heard it. The voice stayed with her. And suddenly all she wanted was to hear it again. She could only wait and of all the hardships God had made her endure, she came to understand that waiting was the hardest.

But then she heard his voice again. In that same place...and again. And then she heard that glorious laughter and it was as if a thousand suns had burst inside of her like tiny pin pricks of joy. Suddenly time had begun to have meaning. Waiting to see him again, the days all sprouted wings...flocked into birds and flew away. A beautiful symphony of nature's music began to penetrate the fog and she lived only for the moment she could see him.

His laughter mingled with the toddlers and she would watch them dance and play and live. In her mind's eye, when not in the park...her imagination would keep the thousand suns glowing within her. In his laughter she knew his face, she knew his eyes, she knew his soul. In his laughter she found moments...many moments of beauty. In his laughter, life's unfairness redeemed itself to her.

His laughter redeemed her too. She had once said aloud with no thought of consequence...'I wish I could see the world through a blind man's eyes. I wish I could breathe in the fresh air, the scent of wet grass, the feel of the golden sun rays on my face through a blind man's eyes...only then would I have truly experienced life."

A hit-and-run accident that afternoon had taken her sight and made her wish come true. For years she was bitter...for years she was blind and then she opened herself to love. Love for a stranger who's voice was all she carried in her heart and she lived her life like it was the most beautiful one to be had. 

The beginning of things...

Once upon a time the world had no context. Nothing was necessarily how it was meant to be. Everything was different, lopsided, random. What I mean to say is that there were no rules to be followed. God hadn't yet decided to create the world and so the bible did not exist. Nobody had simply 'let there be light' and 'let there be man'. And so it all existed in a crazy haphazard fashion.

The sun did not necessarily have nine planets and not all the planets revolved around the sun. In fact the sun revolved around the moon and the planets all swung from the moon through very very long and opaque celestial cables. These planets swung randomly from their pendulums tilting the moon this way and that. This created random days and nights for the planets as the shadow of the moon decided when it would be day and when it would be night. Sometimes it was day for weeks and sometimes it shifted from day to night every hour. These were confusing times.

Every now and then, the planets would bang against each other and people or species from the respective planets could get off and roam on the other planet. Such transfers happened often but they were unpredictable and not a soul had a clue as to when they would happen, who would come into their world and what the consequences would be. This was in the early days...before they realised they could use these collisions for trade or theft.

During the collisions strange species from two planets now called Mars and Venus came to planet earth (then called Peacetikette). In those days, before God appeared, Mars was called Moronikette and Venus was called Lunatikette and there were plenty of kette's (planets) in between swinging this way and that.  

The species were very different from what we see today. They came in all colours, shapes and size. Their skin could be velvet or pink or one of the lost colours from those times and their hair could be just like ours today or different, very different. It could be a mass of balls, it could be a bunch of tubes or it could be mound of hanging spiders. There was a lot of variety and there was nary a dull moment like there are today. 

They were different those times before everything began.

I had the whole world in my hands...

There’s something incredible about being small, frail and feeling like you can conquer the world! It’s a brilliant feeling...it fills you up with joy to the brim of your soul till you can hardly breathe and all of that joy comes forcefully out in a loud exhilarated laugh!

I had this feeling the first time I rode the bike without the side wheels on. I remember being quite a scraggly kid with thin long legs and I hardly had any hand to eye co-ordination. I could fall flat on my face simply while walking without there being even a pebble on the road. And then my parents got me this sweet little bike with side wheels. I was a queen on the tiny machine. The secret behind the confidence was that I would never fall and boy I was so afraid of falling that for a very long time I didn’t let them take the side wheels off.

My dad was my hero, always has been and always will be. He somehow managed to convince me that since I’d learnt to ride a bike, side wheels or no side wheels I wouldn’t fall. And so finally after six months I let him take them off. I sat on the bike nervous and excited, shaky and confident. He held the back of my seat and I peddled slowly in a wobbly manner. He held on encouraging me to go faster, to be confident and just go with the flow. I did and oh boy it was great for a few minutes till I realised he’d let go! I turned around, gasped in shock and almost immediately toppled over, scrapped my knee and started crying. I accused him of betraying my trust, ran home, complained to mom and refused to ride the bike with him ever again!

All my friends had bikes at that point and some even rode without the side wheels. I got teased a lot for making up excuses for not riding with them and since it was the most ‘in’ thing to do at that age, I ended up not having friends to spend time with as all of them were busy trying to become cycle gangsters!

So one day in pure frustration I got on my bike and started riding with my friends. I rode looking carefree but inside I was shit scared that I would lose balance and fall down and everybody would laugh...but that didn’t happen. I rode and there were four-five of us racing the winds. I was so high...I was so overjoyed...I was the queen of the world and I could fly on my little bike. I had never felt so free and exhilarated in my life! 

Though I ended up cycling due to peer pressure, I’ll always give this one to my dad who patiently tried to help me overcome my fears. I had the whole world in my hands that day.

Fantasy

A few simple words,

A glimpse of a faded picture

You're a stranger to be forgotten...

a wisp of a memory in this dreamy haze.

Yet I remember ever simple word

I dream a dream that captures your smile

Walking through the foggy mists of neverland

Wrapped within your arms in a cloud...

The bell goes off,

warms ray of the sun stream onto my face

My dream awakens with me

stronger in the harsh light of the day

I keep you with me in every moment,

in the recesses of each mundane thought...

I dream of you appearing out of the blue

So I can tell you I've been waiting all along.

Musing

"Wish a day had 36 hours and the heart fewer dreams and ambitions..."

Benign smile

I can see beyond the cloudy skies

Through the sparkling haze of falling raindrops,

Into the eyes of a thousand travellers

Searching for the meaning of their meandering lives.

They bounce off me

these million auras of hope and love,

mingling with the dampness of human despair and loneliness

hearts aching to touch a divine connection they can't see.

And in that sea of kindred souls

I share the forever dream of undying love,

Waiting for a chance encounter, a meaningful smile, an enchanting touch

Smiling the benign smile of a youth confident in tomorrows.

Backwards

Growing older definitely doesn't make us wiser. I know you've all figured this out and wondering why you should read this post....I get it. But ever wondered why that is?

I think we're not getting wiser because our brains are functioning at greater efficiency in our 20s and thinking makes us stupid. You see, we've all got a hidden Freud within us and we analyse, psychoanalyse, pre-guess, post-guess and dissect everything in our daily lives. We have reasons for why a friend didn't call us, we have reasons for why our colleague was pissed off today, we have reasons for why our parents forgot our birthday and we have reasons for everything that is actually quite innocent.

We've forgotten to forgive and forget. We've simply forgotten to smile and let it go. An apology is never a simple apology anymore...we take our time, we sulk, we emotionally gauge how sincere the apology was and by the time we decide to forgive someone...it's too late. It's too late for there not be any scars coz you see the other person is an adult as well who isn't going to let go easily. Grrrr!

It was so simple when we were kids...so peaceful..so beautiful...we were so wise. It's like we come into the world, grow older and lose our wisdom in our eternal search to find it. As kids, as teens...if someone pushes you down, you either push them down too and laugh about it, or cry and run to momma and forget about it, or complain to your teach and forget about it, or simply laugh it off...it goes away quickly and funnily enough you're back at the same playground the next day playing with the same person...accepting them who they are and everything in the world is perfect! Even as teens...we cry, we judge, we shout...but ultimately we work it out...at least most of the times. Why was it so easy to forgive and forget then? How come we just overlooked not being waved at or invited to a party? I'm not saying that was right...all I'm saying is that that was happier and simpler.

Doesn't that make it wise?

But I can't help...

Wise men say,

Only fools rush in...

But I can't help,

Falling in love with you.

These lines are typically meant to be about love...some great love of your life. Oddly they seem to hold true right now...even now...especially now. I'm free...I don't know how or when it happened but I'm happy I gave myself the time to get to know myself, my own strength, re-discover the beauty of being me and now I feel free. I feel free and hopeful and romantic and feel these lines speak to my soul. 

I can't help falling in love with you...with the thought of you...with the endless possibilities of who you might be. I can't help falling in love with life...with the beauty and positivity of it...with the million chances it gives you...with the way the skies smile upon you.

I love...I love...I LOVE...

:-)

Power and Responsibility

This year is about doing all the little things that make me come closer to my dreams. It's about taking baby steps so I can fill myself with the hope and beauty of it all. It's not about actually making them all come true but giving them a real chance of materialising...seeing a glimpse of them in this world rather than the dream world. And someone's told me I tend to live in my dreams more than reality anyway! ;-)

So...lets see, I'm travelling a lot more this year...gotta see the world before I'm too old you see. It's been amazing so far; from witnessing the pristine beauty of the ice capped Fjords in Oslo, feeling the benign bliss of feeding war disabled elephants in Sri Lanka, walking the royal chambers in Windsor to my most anticipated trip to Berlin in a couple of weeks! Travelling teaches you life's best lessons...that man is simply a pack animal no matter what culture he comes from, desperately in need of friendship and love. It forces you to philosophise, admire nature and beauty, accommodate and appreciate foreign tastes and smells and most importantly it shows you how much you love home and coming back to it! It teaches you to be responsible in a odd way because it exposes you to more life and the different ways in which people live it. It makes you respect what you have, aspire for better and learn to be happy with the resources at your disposal. Most importantly it's teaching me to smile...just randomly smile.

Cooking...yes I've started cooking a lot more and shhhh here's a secret, friends have told me am not as bad as I'd like to think. Sigh...damn! Now I can't even hide behind the 'I suck so you should do it' mantra, I'm going to have to pitch in! :-( But the bigger secret is that though I'm extremely lazy, I've somehow begun to enjoy making new dishes...get new ingredients, get it right, see that it actually tastes good. It gives you an odd sense of pride and I feel like I have my very own chem lab! I've begun to think I might not be that bad a mom someday...I mean I don't think my kids are going to die of food poisoning and I might just be able to tantalise my soulmate with some soul food once in a while! ;-) Contentment...

I joined acting school. This one was out of pure twisted logic. I couldn't write anymore you see. Forget the words, the thoughts were refusing to pour out. I figured if I go to acting school I could hear and see various scripts and make believe situations come to life. But the classes are doing so much more...they've breathed a new life into my existence! They're sapping the fear and uncertainty from my system. Everytime I have to stand in front of my group and perform I feel a little less nervous about being exposed...it's scary and liberating at the same time! You stand in front of this group of people and get into a character...actually feel the character, feel the pain, the laughter, the fears and triumphs....you then stand in front a group of complete strangers and share these most personal feelings of yours...you share them so completely that you convince them that they are real. It's wonderful...acting isn't about doing the make believe...it's about putting yourself in the fantasy and making it real...exposing your innermost feelings rather than donning some superficial mask. It's helped me open this blog and start writing...it's helped me share my feelings with you without fear of being ridiculed, without wondering if my thoughts are worth a penny...it's just shown me the importance of sharing. It's a long road yet...but I'm going to make the best of the journey!

We all dream of being superheroes or at the least extremely cool like the X-men or Superwoman or some awesome secret FBI agent! Well yeah so I have some of these banal fantasies too. So this year I decided to do a few things that might actually be a bit cool...if not to the rest of the world, at least to me! :P I joined a first aid course. I'm now a qualified UK first aid professional and am obliged by the law to help if someone near me is ill, wounded or dying! The course was brilliant. It ran through every situation from accidents, fires, drowning, excessive bleeding, heart attacks...the works. It was both energising and a bit creepy while going through the practical aspects of mouth to mouth, wound dressing, bone setting etc. When walking out of the course with a certificate in my hands I had tumultuous emotions from the heady 'how cool is this' to the unsure 'will I really be able to do something when the time comes'? And the beauty of having the skills and this power is that while my sense of responsibility might be tested one day, I don't really know what I will do. My uncle had a terrible car accident last week and is still immobile and I don't know if I could have been of any help had I been in that car. I don't know if I'd have come out the cool superhero or a crying scared niece. And suddenly i don't want to find out...

Life is beautiful...with each sense of achievement comes it's own set of responsibilities. I don't know how well I'll take them on but something tells me it's a mark of being an adult. A good adult. Have I passed the test? have you?