Revelations...

Sometimes eureka moments are big earth shattering moments of clarity and sudden understanding. That's when you feel a rush of excitement and thrill at what you've just discerned and cannot wait to share it with the world.

At other times they are subtle moments of revelations that sneak up on you and even before you grasp what they mean, the thread of the idea disappears in the dense cloud of your thoughts. These are the ones that make you follow that thought, make you desperately try to hold onto the last vestige of that revelation so you can understand what it means entirely. The revelation lies in front you...just within your reach like a carrot (cake) that's been dangled in front of your eyes to tease you. Oh the niggling feeling that you're just not quite seeing it gnaws at the edge of your consciousness. It's like knowing the lyrics of the song you so desperately want to sing but your mind chooses to elude you at the opportune moment when you desire it so much! See how the mind plays games with itself all the time? ;-)

I had one of those recently. And when it showed itself it was a warm glow of a thought; a soft and pleasant surprise. There wasn't an earth shattering moment, just a gentle internal nudge that acknowledged that change.

You dream of being self assured and confident in yourself and your abilities. You dream of having unwavering conviction in yourself when facing the world both in the harsh stare of challenging eyes and the tender gaze of an accepting pair. There is always a wonder whether the strong face you hold up for the world to see hides a shaken and scared spirit or whether it encloses a truly brave and self assured one...

We face trials and tribulations everyday and they serve to make us stronger but their memory always reminds us of a weaker spirit at the time. It's a beautiful moment, when the world comes crashing down at your feet and murphy rejoices for all his plans seem fool proof but you smile not just externally but internally. It's a beautiful moment when you feel undaunted and completely in control of your fate and destiny...when not a vestige of doubt preys upon you. When you smile at the world and seem brave...you truly are sure that all is well and you can still hear the birds chirping and feel the sun shining.

It's a small step but somewhere I feel like having lived up (even if momentarily) to the sonnets of the poets of the past. The good was good and the bad was bad but they are all seasons and I am constant.

What it made me realise is I am all of these values and feelings. We like to think we are intelligent, we like to be known for our achievements, we like to be remembered for contributions and we end up believing that all of this makes up who we are. We think our jobs, our research papers, our professional acclaim, our recognition as being kind friends and family members is what makes us. But truly when stripped of all external circumstances and people its what we feel inside and how we think within our naked soul that makes us who we are. That is our constant. Our inner honesty, our inner peace, our inner integrity, our inner faith whatever these might be truly define us. These are our brand and we carry them with us in everything we do and wherever we go.

I guess it's worth waiting for the slow eureka moments to reveal themselves...

Song of sunshine

An ode to a wonderful person I met today..

There was that song again...that song that played in the background of the universe every time she saw him. The song that made everything around them melt away. In her mind, time would stand still when she looked into his eyes. The sounds, the people, the smells everything would fade and all that would remain was the very essence of his breath, his aura, his force, his pull and her restoration.

Through gently closed eyes and a smile on her face she would come watch him in the park everyday. She would watch his smile, his gentle tentative steps towards the toddler, his joyous laughter when he finally reached the child along with the toddlers excited squeals. She would eagerly take in every seasoned change in his expression and memorise the planes of his face. She knew every timber of his voice, she understood every message in his stance.

Even from a distance she could feel the caress of his touch. Her body of its own accord would turn towards the warm tenor of his voice. She was a moth to his flame...she was the waves of the ocean that could not have been contained without his shore. There was a time when all she knew was darkness. A deep, heavy darkness. There was a day when time had no meaning. Each second was damp and dense and meaningless.

And then he came along. It was his voice talking to the child that first permeated her fog. She heard the kindness in his voice like it was coming from a deep well...like she could never reach it and yet she had heard it. The voice stayed with her. And suddenly all she wanted was to hear it again. She could only wait and of all the hardships God had made her endure, she came to understand that waiting was the hardest.

But then she heard his voice again. In that same place...and again. And then she heard that glorious laughter and it was as if a thousand suns had burst inside of her like tiny pin pricks of joy. Suddenly time had begun to have meaning. Waiting to see him again, the days all sprouted wings...flocked into birds and flew away. A beautiful symphony of nature's music began to penetrate the fog and she lived only for the moment she could see him.

His laughter mingled with the toddlers and she would watch them dance and play and live. In her mind's eye, when not in the park...her imagination would keep the thousand suns glowing within her. In his laughter she knew his face, she knew his eyes, she knew his soul. In his laughter she found moments...many moments of beauty. In his laughter, life's unfairness redeemed itself to her.

His laughter redeemed her too. She had once said aloud with no thought of consequence...'I wish I could see the world through a blind man's eyes. I wish I could breathe in the fresh air, the scent of wet grass, the feel of the golden sun rays on my face through a blind man's eyes...only then would I have truly experienced life."

A hit-and-run accident that afternoon had taken her sight and made her wish come true. For years she was bitter...for years she was blind and then she opened herself to love. Love for a stranger who's voice was all she carried in her heart and she lived her life like it was the most beautiful one to be had.